Hey ?????

I received a message today that something I wrote way back in 2008 infringes on the copyright of others and the offending content will be removed. How can something that I wrote by myself infringe on the copyright of others?  Terry thought it might be because I used the name of a well-known friendly Disney circus elephant's name in my title. I have removed the possible offending name and replaced it with ?????. If anyone else wants to take credit for anything that I have written, I am certainly willing to give you credit if you can prove it belongs to you. Unless you can prove that you have lived my life, the rest of the content belongs to me and my Creator.


Hey ????? by Steve Jacobs written on September 23, 2008

I’m not a smart man.  I’m not a dumb man.  I’m not a student of philosophy, history, or religion.  I’m just a man with a story to tell.  So savor my stupidity.  Indulge my ignorance.  As of this writing I’m 45 years old, unemployed and live at home with my mom.  As far as society is concerned I might as well have “Loser” emblazoned on my head to complete the picture.  I’ve embarked on a spiritual journey as of late or maybe it started years ago I’m not sure.  Before I turn off all the non-religious types I just want to make it clear that I’m about as non-religious as you can get.  In the past several years I’ve rarely been inside a church.  I play the guitar and enjoy singing gospel type songs but that’s about the extent of my religiousness.

Several years ago or the year 2000 to be exact I had some interesting events happen in my life.  A crisis you could say.  I had a breakdown of sorts and spent a week in the hospital.   The doctors inspected me and detected me and came to the conclusion that I was bipolar.  One doctor told me I lost touch with reality.  After much medication and such I returned to “normal” but struggled with a bout of depression unlike I had ever experienced for the next couple of years.  My productivity at work declined and ultimately I lost a very good job I’d held for the last thirteen years.  For those of you unfamiliar with bipolar it’s a mood disorder characterized by extreme lows and a manic state on the other end of the spectrum.  Conventional wisdom is to treat it with a mood stabilizing drug to keep you at a happy medium or equilibrium.

Since 2002 I’ve had no return of symptoms other than the normal highs and lows everyone experiences.  I do take some medication but I take a much lower dosage than the doctors recommend and take it kind of infrequently to tell the truth.  Some doctors would probably say I’m flirting with disaster but I don’t like the idea of being medicated into a “normal” state.  The medication was very helpful when I was manic so I appreciate it for that.  I guess I’m in good company being bipolar because some very smart people in the past have been bipolar.  And I’m not the only one that has struggled with the idea of taking medicine to treat it.  Whether my bipolar illness is hereditary or something brought on by society I’m not sure.  Some things happened to me as a child which I’m sure contributed to my “departure from normality”.  Some would argue that I’m still not “normal”.  You can be the judge of that.

There was nothing unusual about my coming into this world.  I was born into a loving family with my father recently serving in the Air Force and my mother moving from Delaware to where Dad grew up in Wisconsin.  I was a healthy baby boy and was baptized at a Catholic church long before I can remember.  The first five years of my life I was as happy as can be.  I do remember crying when I had to go to Kindergarten and leave the comfort of home.  I went to Catholic school for First, Second, and Third Grades.  I don’t remember a lot about it except a few things.  At some point I got tripped on the playground and chipped my two front teeth.  I wore glasses from starting early in the First Grade.  But the thing that sticks out in my mind the most was the first time somebody called me a name.  I can still remember standing in a large line of students waiting to get into the lunchroom when some girl called out one of the names that would haunt me for years.  “Hey ?????”, “Ears”, or “Big Ears”.  I can’t remember which one she used but that memory is as vivid today as the first day it happened.

I feel silly even talking about it.  There are millions of people in this world with bigger problems than mine.  There are people born everyday horribly disfigured or blind or disabled or in poor health or a myriad of other afflictions too numerous to mention.  I was just a particularly nerdy looking kid with glasses, chipped teeth, and big ears.  The name calling went on everyday until I grew my hair over my ears in about the eighth grade.  Why do I even mention something so seemingly trivial?  The reason is my experience as a child in a large part shaped who I am today.  How did I end up as a 45 year old never married accountant with graying hair covering his ears living at home with mom?  I’ve had a very good life but could it have been different?  Better perhaps in some ways.  I think so.

As a result of the day after day teasing I drew into myself.  I became very self-conscious about my appearance.  I took extra steps not to draw attention to myself.  I can remember about the fifth grade not raising my hand in class to tell the teacher I had to use the bathroom.  The inevitable accident occurred and I suffered more ridicule from the class.  Despite all the ridicule I always believed I was a good person inside if people just took the time to get to know me.  I can remember at a young age seeing the movie Frankenstein and how that made me cry when the villagers judged Frankenstein based on how he looked rather than the goodness he had inside.  I related to Frankenstein and secretly wished people could see me for the goodness inside.  If you remember the story about Frankenstein it was a blind man who invited Frankenstein into his house and fed him.  He saw the goodness inside and didn’t judge Frankenstein based on his outward appearance.

You might wonder at this point where I’m going with all this.  When I went through my manic phase in 2000 I had this story repeatedly going through my head.  At some point I was convinced that by telling this story I could make the world a better place.  I envisioned a snowball effect like in the movie “Pay It Forward” where people would feel compelled to do good.  I thought my story could make a difference.  For those of you who have never been manic it’s as if the floodgates of your mind are wide open and thoughts are coming faster than you can make sense of them.  I had numerous religious theories going through my mind.  Some crazy, some not so crazy.  At some point I “lost touch with reality” as one of my doctors said.  But through it all I thought my story could make a difference.  I still have some of the notes I jotted down at the time.  A lot of them are non-sensical. Others I still like and have survived as of this writing.

I can just envision psychiatrists and psychoanalysts reading this and thinking this guy is seriously whacked.  Not taking his medicine.  Delusions of grandeur.  I think I told one of my doctors at one point I didn’t think I was nuts or crazy or whatever term I used.  And he responded that was a pejorative and not used in the profession.  I wasn’t sure what a pejorative was and am still not.  So just in case I’m giving the impression I’m smart I’m really not.  I do still think my story is worth telling however.  If it stops one kid from calling another a name, gives my family and friends more insight into my wackiness, makes somebody think or ultimately saves the world then it’s all been worth it.

You might wonder what prompted me to start writing again.  I’ve recently met some nice non-denominational religious type folks for lack of a better term.  A pastor from Texas asked me some rather pointed questions about my spirituality.  Truthfully I’ve been floundering spiritually for years with a lot of doubt and questions.  I now envision all the non-religious types heading for the exits at the mention of the term spirituality.  Please don’t leave yet.  I’m the least qualified to talk on the subject so forgive the laymen’s terms and language as I attempt to explain my take on spirituality.  For years when people mention the term spirit I had no idea what they meant other than maybe the term team spirit you hear at a basketball game or something.  Soul is another word that always baffled me but I guess it’s somewhat synonymous with spirit.  If I say anything that sounds dumb or doesn’t make sense I apologize.  Because again I’m not that smart on these matters.

If you’ll indulge me and allow me to continue, as far as I can understand your soul or spirit is all those non-physical things that make you uniquely you.  We all have physical bodies in different shapes and sizes, different hair color, male, female, big ears and so on but that’s not your soul or spirit.  I think of your spirit as your personality, thoughts, emotions and other things like that.  People smarter than me can supply other words associated with your spirit or soul.   Have I gone too meta-physical on you?  Too Shirley McLaine?  Truthfully I don’t even know what meta-physical means and I hope I didn’t offend any Shirley McLaine fans.  Just so you know when I went through my manic phase I had my “Bruce is Barrabas” religious theory.  Bruce was a good friend I had in high school.  But as my doctor’s clearly told me I lost touch with reality.  So if my theories seem totally off base remember I may be under medicated.  Just so you know I feel pretty sane at this point.  But feel free to disagree.

My new non-denominational religious type friends for lack of a better term might be becoming nervous at this point because I have made little mention of religion at this point.  Fear not my new friends I am not going to go too “New Age” on you.  You’ve rekindled my interest in spiritual matters and I am grateful for that.  Actually I think there may be a Power greater than me at work here but I can’t give away the Name yet because I fear I may lose too many of my readers.  Non-religious types at this point can take comfort in the fact that what you are reading may me the ramblings of a mad man.  But I don’t think so.  You be the judge.

Before I get into any religious doctrines or start pontificating I should make myself clear on a few points.  Actually I’m not sure what pontificate means either.  I just thought it sounded cool there.  I sometimes use big words in context that I really don’t know what they mean.  It gives the illusion that I’m smarter than I am.  So again savor my stupidity, indulge my ignorance, and wallow in my wisdom or lack there of.  I know my next comments are going to put me somewhere on somebody’s political or religious scale and I just don’t care.  It’s how I feel.  I’m against division among people.  All the division and different religious sects that have popped up drive me nuts.  There’s a million ways in today’s world that we’ve divided ourselves and I wish it would stop.  I know there are cultural differences that keep us apart but even at here at home we’ve divided ourselves by religion, race, ethnicity, social status and a bunch of other ways people smarter than me can list.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m all for freedom of religion and all the other rights people braver than me have fought and died for.  If you want to worship the sun or whatever more power to you.  In this country you have the right to do that.  I’m not saying I think it’s right to do so but who am I to stop you.  I actually feel very uncomfortable pushing my religious views on anyone else.  My new non-denominational religious type friends however are encouraging me to do just that.  They tell me I should evangelize and help bring other people into the fold.  They tell me that the decision has eternal consequences.  They may be right.  All I know at this point is it’s a decision I’m not going to take lightly.

I actually did something very unusual and out of character for me today.  I went on a “visit” with a pastor to someone’s home. The gentleman we visited talked about the many problems in his life.  He’s dealing with diabetes, a divorce, and a young son who is caught in the middle.  The pastor and the gentleman did all the talking.  I just listened and observed and was my quiet self.  The pastor asked the gentleman at some point where he was at spiritually.  He then shared some Bible verses, and we prayed with him before we left.

Up to this point I’ve been deliberately leaving religious doctrine out of my discussion.  I hesitated to list any one faith as the right or true religion.  Like I said before I’m all against division among people.  And without a doubt religion has caused more division throughout the centuries as almost anything else.  But I’ve recently embarked on this spiritual journey and I’m curious as to where it will take me.  Maybe it started years ago or maybe just a week ago but I’m on fire to learn more.  My new religious friends that I have previously left unnamed are Christians.  I’m not sure what percent of the world is Christian but I hope if you’ve read my story this far you won’t abandon it at this point because you’re of some other faith or have none.

I mentioned the Texas pastor earlier that questioned me about spiritual matters.  He gave me his testimony I guess it’s called and how he was picked up as a hitchhiker and somebody shared with him the Gospel which simply means good news.  He also gave me the bad news which isn’t so bad when you hear the good news.  This is the point in my discussion where I really flounder.  I’m not a holy man, a preacher, a priest or anything.  I was raised Catholic, went to college, was nothing for quite a while, was Lutheran for a few years and then some more of nothing, and now I’m guess I’m just called a Christian.  My new friends have used some terms which still seem a little strange to me.  Things like “saved”, “born again”, and something about your name being written in the “book of life”.

I’m not sure what it all means but I intend to learn more.  In the past week I’ve been reading more than I have in years.  In addition to reading some of the Bible, I’ve read parts of  “Basic Christianity” by John Stott, “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis and “What the Bible is All About” by Henrietta Mears.  All recommended reading for anyone searching like I was and still am.  If anyone is interested I can tell you the name of the small church I attended in Darboy, WI that got me started again on this spiritual quest.  They’re a great bunch of people and will make you feel welcome.  They’re much better equipped to share the Gospel with you than I am.  They won’t try to steal you away from your church or force you to go to one if you don’t want to.  I still have a lot of questions and I don’t pretend to have all the answers.  But you owe it to yourself and your spirit or soul to at least listen to what they have to say.  After that it’s up to you to do with the information as you will.  You can choose to accept it or reject it.

Before I close I’d like to share with you one idea C.S. Lewis talks about in his book “Mere Christianity”.  He talks about a Law of Nature.  He doesn’t mean things like gravity.  It’s more like a rule of moral conduct that all human beings share.  I haven’t got very far into his book so I hope I’m not misconstruing his ideas.  But I think what he’s getting at is most people that inhabit this planet have a sense of what’s right and wrong.  Not something you were taught in school or religion class but it’s kind of imprinted on your heart at birth.  I remember seeing a movie several years ago where the characters killed other people for no other reason than they enjoyed it.  I’m not saying taking a life is ever right but sometimes there are circumstances such as protecting your very life or those of your loved ones.

Before I get very far off topic I just wondered why that movie rubbed me in the wrong way so much.  Now I’ve never killed anyone but somewhere deep in my psyche I know it’s wrong to take another life.   One of the Ten Commandments is “Though Shalt Not Kill” but I’m pretty sure that I didn’t need to read it in the Bible to know it was wrong.  I believe in a Creator.  Call me whacko but I think God designed us with a Law of Nature or moral conduct engrained in us somewhere.  Going against that Law of Nature is what the Bible calls sin.  It’s not what God intended us to be.  We’re better than what we’ve become.  I’m a sinner and have done lots of things I regret.  The Christian Bible talks about the consequences of sin, separation from God but it also talks about things like redemption, a Saviour and making things right with God.  There’s also talk of an eternal home called Heaven where your soul or spirit goes.  That’s not unique to the Christian religion but the redemptive sacrifice of Jesus is.

Like I said I’m the worst person to try to preach the Gospel to you.  I don’t want to preach.  When I went through my manic phase one of the phrases that I remember running through my mind was “Wear God in your heart not on your sleeve”.  I don’t know if someone else said that before or not so I won’t take credit for it.  The point is much of what people call Christianity is just playing lip service to God.  It comes off as fake to me.  They’re not living it.  I know very little of the Bible but Jesus was once asked what was the greatest of the commandments and He answered something to the effect of “Love the Lord your God with all your strength, mind, and heart and love your neighbor as yourself.”  I’ve probably misquoted it but that’s the basic idea.  What a wonderful world it would be if people actually lived like that across the world.  Or another way of putting it is “Do onto others as you would have them do unto you”  

Have I gone too biblical for you?  The point I want to make is I knew at an early age how I wanted to be treated.  I wanted people to see the good inside of me and look past my big ears, glasses and chipped teeth.  I never retaliated against the kids that called me names although it was eating me up inside.  For some reason I felt compelled to treat others as I would have them treat me.  Did I learn that in some Bible class or was it engrained in my soul somehow.  With the exception of taking out some of my pent up aggression on my sister’s by teasing them relentlessly I’ve always been what people would describe as a nice person.  Some people would argue Nature vs Nurture and it’s true I was brought up in a very loving family.  My Dad was very much like me or I should say I’m very much like my Dad.  He was a man of few words but hard working and honest as they come.  He was a good Catholic and died at the early age of 51.  If there’s a heaven as my Christian friends say I’m sure my Dad is waiting for me there.  There are my doubts again rearing their ugly head.  Satan throwing darts at my beliefs my Christian friends would say.

But my beliefs aren’t my own entirely.  There is a book out there called the Bible which I’ve only perused in my lifetime.  Some claim it to be a collection of stories just to serve to nourish the soul.  Others describe it as the unerring Word of God.  I won’t debate the issue here.  I do think there is much to be learned from the Bible if one takes the time to read it.  I reassert my claim that the human race is horribly messed up.  I’m as guilty as the next person of not being the person God intended me to be.  I can place blame on the kids who called me names for so many years for holding me down.  But I’m a sinner not a saint and can’t blame anyone but myself for falling short of my God given potential.  I’m only 45 though so I have a few years left to right some wrongs.  Plus I’m told that I have an eternal home in heaven now so really in the scheme of things my time here on earth is pretty miniscule.

I’ll share just one more thing with you before I close.  I hesitate to even bring this up because my good friend Patrick that I confided in years ago told me not to tell this to anyone or they WILL think you’re crazy.  But as I said before when I was manic my doctors told me I lost touch with reality.  So I can hide behind my cloak of insanity if anyone decides to stone me, crash a plane into my house, or disembowel me for what I’m about to say.  I realize too that to some of my Christian friends what I say me be considered blasphemy or sacrilegious.  That’s not my intention.  I shared my story with you and hopefully explained how I became seriously messed up in the first place.  Like the character in the movie “A Beautiful Mind” I have some mental issues that came to a head for me in the fall of 2000.

Like I mentioned before when a person is manic it’s as if the floodgates of your mind are wide open.  “Racing thoughts” they call it.  I was living alone at the time and actually had a stressful moment that precipitated my manic state.  I met a woman through one of those newspaper ads “Woman Seeking Man”.  I was pretty confident in myself and thought if she only took the time to get to know me she would like me.  My biggest fear was that she would judge me on my appearance and quiet exterior alone and not take the time to get to know me.  So I prepared a lot for this first meeting with her and stressed about it the night before.  I tossed and turned all night thinking what I would say to her so she could get to know me.  I had dated little or not at all up to this point and most of my feeble attempts I’ve made at attracting women have ended in failure.

Long story short something snapped as I lay tossing and turning in bed and by the time I actually met this woman the next day I was in a full blown manic state.  Nothing like I had ever experienced before in my life.  Over the night I had somehow developed this “Story of My Life” that I was going to share with her.  It contained much of the stuff I talked about early on in this writing.  What I experienced as a child, my religious upbringing, loving family, the whole nine yards.  I actually only met her that one time and I’m sure to this day she thinks I’m a raving lunatic.  The whole night before and all that day at work my mind was working nonstop.  The last memory I have of her is her running to her car to get away.

I went home that night and was depressed that my story didn’t resonate with her and that I had scared her away.  I went to sleep for a while and then woke up feeling okay but still full blown manic.  I felt compelled to write that night and sat down at my computer to get my story down on paper for others to read.  I had a million religious theories running through my head and somehow felt inside that my story could save the world.  I felt like God was talking to me directly.  I felt like the Holy Spirit was guiding my hands as I typed.  I remember thinking the Bible was too complicated and my story could bring the world together.  This is the point where I think I’ve probably alienated a lot of my Christian friends.  They’re probably thinking “We thought Steve was a nice guy.  He’s a certifiable nut case.”  Don’t write me off as a lunatic just yet it gets worse.  Just remember my doctor’s words “I lost touch with reality”.

So anyway my manic state continued for the next couple of days.  I lived alone at the time.  My thoughts continued to race and I slept very little.  I paced the floor constantly all the time working on “My Story”. Certain phrases kept running through my mind.  Some would make me laugh.  Some would make me cry.  But I thought I was getting it all figured out.  Getting rid of a lot of pain I’ve held for a lot of years.  Answering world problems.  Developing religious theories.  Dismissing some but holding onto others.  I remember thinking that 5% of the world was good and 95% bad.  My Christian friends will be relieved to know I held onto my Christian beliefs even as I got progressively more nuts.  Oh that’s right “nuts” is’ a pejorative.  I was just mentally ill.

Before they come in the white coats and lock me up in a padded cell I’ll share one more thing with you.  This is what my friend Patrick told me never to tell anyone.  At some point in my several day manic state I came to the conclusion that I was the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.  It made perfect sense.  My story would save the world.  People would start treating each other decently.  The divisions that keep us apart would be melted away. My ears were my cross to bear.  A snowball effect would take place and the 5% good in the world would overtake the 95% bad.  We’d all go to heaven or heaven would come here.  I wasn’t sure on that point.  The thing I was sure of was that in my manic created version of heaven there would be no bad people.  I’m truly sorry if what I have said is considered blasphemy.  It no doubt is but I don’t intend it that way.

Anyway I had missed work for a couple of days at this point and had not called in so work was concerned about my well being.  I don’t remember all the details exactly as they happened but I remember quite a bit of it.  At some point I made some frantic call to my mother telling her that God was working on me, about the story.  I don’t know if I mentioned the Second Coming.  I do remember scolding her to “say prayers that mean something to you” instead of always reciting the same prayers.  My mom thought I was suicidal and sent my brother-in-law to my house to check on me.  I think my brother-in-law may have called the police because a couple of officers showed up at my door.  I invited them in and I thought the Holy Spirit wanted me to tell them my story.  So I told them all about my big ears and how I came to be this way.  I had recently watched the movies “Field of Dreams” and ‘Back to the Future” and I had some references from those movies tied into my story.  I was seriously whacko by the time the officers visited.  I remember losing control of my bodily functions at some point.  Crapping indiscriminately and fun stuff like that.  At some point in my manic state I stood naked in my kitchen and pontificated.  I hope that’s ok to say or I may have blasphemed again.

So I ended up in the hospital for a week.  They inspected me and detected me and told me I was bipolar.  That I lost touch with reality.  They medicated me and before too long I didn’t believe I was the Second Coming of Jesus Christ anymore.  Although for several weeks afterwards I was convinced that I had a major religious experience and that God had truly spoken to me.  Did I fail to mention that I heard voices for a while?  Had conversations with dead relatives.  Just icing on the cake that is the nutcase that is me.

So here I am eight years later and once again feel compelled to tell my story.  A week ago I was “born again” in a non-denominational church.  Just to comfort my Christian friends I don’t think I’m the Second Coming anymore.  Haven’t thought that for years except for a brief period in the fall of 2000 which I hope you’ll forgive me for.  I hope I’m still welcome in your church.  I’d like to go on some more “visits” and listen in and hopefully not scare anyone.  The pastor of the church told me that the primary mission of his church is “Discipleship” and “Evangelism”.  Discipleship comes from reading the Bible and interacting with other believers with the goal of becoming more “Christ-like”. Evangelism is bringing more people to Christ.  The thought of sharing my faith scares me to death at this point.  But I was comforted to meet a young Christian missionary family yesterday at church that brings the Gospel to people in the primarily Muslim country of Turkey.  The young man spoke of not letting fear get in the way of spreading the Gospel.

Like I said before who am I to spread the Gospel?  I just don’t feel qualified.  I have this story to share which many people will probably write off as the ramblings of a mad man.  I certainly don’t want to drive people away from Christianity with my story.  On the contrary I’d like it to bring more people to Christ.  Please forgive me. I’m a relatively new Christian even though I’ve been baptized, had my first communion and been confirmed.  I don’t want to drive any wedges between my Catholic and Protestant friends.  Like I said before I’d like to see the walls of division come down.  Does that make me ecumenical?  That’s another word I’m not sure of the definition and may have used out of context.  I also have friends that are Jewish, non-believers, and Unitarian which a smart friend of mine described as religious humanism or some term like that.  I don’t know much about Eastern religions or the Middle Eastern religions either.

A smart friend once told me a story about a man who comes home to see all his possessions gone and he looks out the window and sees that the moon is still there and is comforted.  I started reading the Book of John and I think there is a verse in there something like “A light shone in the darkness and the darkness understood it not.”  That kind of stuck with me.  Where am I going with all this?  I’m not sure yet.  I’m on a spiritual journey don’t stop me now.  A friend and I had a discussion earlier about something called the Maslow hierarchy of needs.  Something from a college course long ago.  I think I’m at the top now but I think I may have missed some of the steps below.  So kudos to Maslow and others like him for their whacky thoughts over the years.

I just had another whacky thought.  “Men spaketh as moved by the Holy Spirit”.  That’s somewhere in the Bible and I think I read that when I was trying to understand the concept that the Bible is the Word of God.  I just realized I may have blasphemed again.  I didn’t mean to imply that the Bible had any whacky thoughts in it.  All whacky thoughts you have read so far are mine and mine alone.

I’ll just share one more whacky thought weighing on my mind.  Since my recent “born again” or “spiritual rebirth” experience I have been consumed with feeding my spiritual side.  I’ve read Christian literature, the Bible itself, gone to church two weeks in a row, and revisited a story I had abandoned eight years ago.  What is going on with me.? Am I going down the road of another manic state?  Or is something else going on?  Is the Holy Spirit working on me? I don’t pretend to have all the answers.  All I know is something is going on and I kind of like it.

I’m happy to have shared my story.  I hope that everyone didn’t head for the exits before getting this far.  I probably offended some.  Maybe made you laugh.  Maybe made you cry.  Maybe you could relate to something in my story.  It’s a story that came out of some pain.  Somewhere in the Bible it says pain builds character. I’m smart enough to realize that my pain is pretty small compared to what many people have gone through in their lifetime.  Maybe I didn’t mention the word Christ or Jesus enough times to satisfy my Christian friends.  But I spoke from my heart and where I am currently at in this spiritual journey I’ve recently embarked upon.

I probably mentioned this already but if this story causes one kid to think twice about calling another kid a name on a playground, prompts someone to pick up a Bible, causes you to visit a church, makes you think about spiritual matters, brings you to Christ or makes you question whether worshipping the sun is a good thing then it’s all been worth it.

A friend asked me tonight what I’d like my readers to get out of this story.  I responded that I’d like people to gain insight into the wackiness that is me.  A lot of people have asked me over the years why I’m so quiet.  Hopefully what I wrote will answer that question.  I’m a mystery.  I’m an enigma.  More random manic thoughts.  I also jokingly told my friend I’d like to see my story published in all the languages of the world and make a pile of money.  Don’t forget I’m unemployed.  But truthfully I’d like people to be helped by my story.  Break down barriers.  Treat one another like God intended.

Who do I think I am? The prophet Steve?  An under medicated bipolar case? A figment of my own imagination?  I’m sure many adjectives and big words I don’t understand will be used to describe me in the psychiatric profession.  Maybe I can get my story published in the Bipolar Journal if there’s such a thing.  I’ll probably share it with a few friends and family to start.  Possibly my new Christian friends. I think they will be receptive and forgive my blasphemy.  After all they told me I’m like a newborn in the faith.  After they read my story I’ll probably be in for some serious mentoring though.  I hesitate to distribute it to the Christian community at large for fear I may be stoned or some other fate I don’t care to think about.  Other religions scare me in some ways because they’re unknown and I don’t know what they’ll think of me.

But I’m probably getting ahead of myself.  Delusions of grandeur are creeping in again.  I’ve been writing this for the last ten hours or so nonstop pretty much.  I’m in control of my thoughts.  They’re not racing so I’m pretty sure I’m not manic.  But still I’m sure there are those who will question my sanity after what I have written.  Another random thought just popped into my head from my manic days.  Build each other up.  Don’t tear each other down.  What does that have to do with anything?  I don’t know I just thought I’d share it with you.  Another morsel of mania from the mind of me.  It’s four o’clock in the morning now and I’m tired.  Like Forrest Gump when he decided to quit running.  It’s time for me to quit.

It’s now 7:00 in the morning and after trying to get some sleep I’ve read through my story once again and am basically satisfied with it. I’ve been thinking of what I should call my story and the title “Hey ?????” appeals to me.  I now have the crazy idea of affixing some copyright symbol to my work in case it goes global.  Someone once said if you’re going to dream, dream big.  I just also was reminded of a book I read at one time by Stephen King called “The Stand”. The basic story is a virus wipes out most of the population of the world.  A battle between good and evil ensues.  I won’t spoil the ending but I think you know who prevails.  It’s my wish for the world.  Good triumphing over evil.

Am I delusional? Misguided? Misinformed? Malnourished? Malcontent? Malevolent? Benevolent?  Oh my God maybe I am manic again.  One thought leads to another and I can’t stop myself.  I am crazy thinking man.  On a merry-go-round of thoughts with seemingly no end in sight.  Time to hide behind my cloak of insanity and protect myself from the barbs society inevitably will throw my way. “She turned me into a newt.  A newt?  I got better!”  What does that have to do with anything?  Nothing it just made me laugh one time.  More manic randomness. Courtesy of Monty Python.  Thanks for listening.  And remember don’t judge a person by their outward appearance.  Be like the blind man in Frankenstein and seek the beauty within.  What you find may surprise you.

© September 23, 2008 by Steve Jacobs